Tuesday, July 08, 2008
overwhelmed.
i'm floundering and i don't know where to begin. except to trust in You to show me the way. because i'm hopelessly and utterly lost.
i'm not square ; 10:07 PM
Monday, June 23, 2008
girlfriends are the best. you can be a whiny little emo s**t to them and they'd still go *patpat. and when you ask, am i being stupid? they can say yes in a way that doesn't make you feel like the most worthless person in the world. so THANKS (: i have decided that i should take a Mature View of things to eliminate my problems. whatever THAT means. haha.
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finding people who are like me makes me happyyy (: samanthalee, shopping goddess who is also going to london! together we will rule oxford st. the sections that are on sale, anyway :p [never imagined that i'd say this a year ago] caina, my fellow neuroscience geek and potential duke-nus schoolmate! our fangirling over neuro was kinda amusing (: & weijie, who is a ... (how to put it) fellow astar non-nerd, and we'll start a social revolution together!
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listening to the talk today, i closed my eyes for a moment and imagined a whole new set of friends. it's entirely possible. but being highly sentimental & loyal (yes, whether you see it or not) i still treasure my old friends and wish we could be transported in time. although i'm gonna be "straight up" (quoting nigel haha) and confess that at times i do get irritated with you - my best friends - yes, you. very, very, very irritated at times. but i somehow still love you (don't ask me how, i have NO IDEA why.)
i'm not square ; 6:29 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
okay enough with all the angsty posts. this one is happy! to be followed by alot more happy ones.
the squat warshaha who knew that i'd get my newest exercise move from final fantasy? thanks to my dear brother, may i present the
squat wars. anyone on for the real-life competition? :P really works those thighs, i can barely walk now.
the SAF morale-boosting exercisepsychologist nat devised a morale-boosting exercise for the SAF! in their hunt for MSK. haha i would love to post it here but i'm not too sure if i'll get sued under Act ______, Section ______ , Clause ______. so i guess you'll just have to ask me on msn/fb. (:
which reminds me of a conversation which went (roughly)
gabriel: do you think i'll get charged for contempt of court if i post [i forget what, but it wasn't anyth outrageous] in reply to a forum about mas selamat?
me: dunno why don't you ask the lawyers?
me: but better just be safe and not post. i won't bail you out for that one line.
gabriel: what *would* you bail me out for?
me: i don't know really. haha.
ohwells! i really miss my bro [army guys out there, your sisters miss you! jia hao this applies to you too] and i can't believe army is taking him away from me so much. especially since i'm leaving so soon wargh.
i'm not square ; 9:23 PM
tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing betterrr.
i'm happy for you, i really am. now, if only...
i'm not square ; 8:10 PM
Monday, June 09, 2008
peace, woman! you cry out always like a beast of prey. your voice wearies me. be silent, i say!it's pitiable that even at a time like this, when i have almost zero responsibility, i get nagged incessantly. i accept some of the blame. but most of the stress is generated by none other than yourself. i have come to realise that no matter what, there's always something to be nagged about.
when i am unemployed, you nag me about getting work
when i am working, you nag me about work
when i am sick, you nag me about falling sick
i am *still* only 19, you nag me about finding a future spouse (zzorz -.-)
if i get a boyfriend, you will nag me about getting married
when i get married, you will nag me about having kids
when i have kids, you will nag me about how i bring them up
when they grow up... hopefully you'll start nagging THEM instead.
i'm not square ; 7:03 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
taylor smith's teardrops on my guitar. i'm still trying to figure out how i feel. or really, WHY i feel. trying to dissect it cerebrally has not been successful. evolutionary psychology cannot hold all the answers to the mysteries of attraction. perhaps that is why love is so revered - what one cannot understand is often deitized [ok did i just make that word up], like how people used to worship the elements and nature. "the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows naught." blaise pascal. wise - but it doesn't stop me from feeling stupid. all this introspection isn't helping, but i can't help it. at the very least it makes me more self-aware, at the very most it could provide some additional insights into psychology [thesis, anyone?]. "chemistry isn't just in a class" - from 'the prince and me'.
sometimes, i wish i could just turn off my mind, turn off my imagination, turn off the countless associations that constantly flood my brain, but it can't happen. this is what makes me clever, and funny, love literature, love life - but i guess there's a dark side to every gift too. van gogh's dismembered [disembodied?] ear. vincent by don maclean.
which reminds me. i decided early on [sec2? thereabouts?] that my Ph.D thesis was going to be about the link between genius and insanity. either that, or genius and homosexuality. it looks like that won't happen anymore. the death of a dream, the birth of a new one. semisonic got it right - "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
i'm not square ; 5:27 AM
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
the frivolousi'm feeling super paiseh now because muddled me went to post a link to *somebody's* facebook profile when i was supposed to be supplying a link to one of my facebook groups instead. just because i was doing both at the same time! haha thank goodness the person whom i gave the wrong link to is someone i don't know very well, and the *somebody* isn't my crush anyway. ah wells (:
if you didn't understand any of the above, summary:
1. nat is tres blur
2. nat is not a facebook stalker hokay! (although sometimes i do get diverted in looking at someone's pics haha)
the seriousthe current defamation trial reads like a political joke. honestly, if one does not have any substance, at least make the effort at the appearance of substance! silent people may be thought wise, but a fool reveals himself when he speaks. i vaguely recall something like that from proverbs, but obviously csj doesn't read the bible. i actually feel pity verging upon embarrassment for csj & csc. why would one waste 20 irrelevant questions in a precious 2hr guillotine time if indeed one had some worthy criticism? why would one pose an obviously irrelevant math question when it can be plainly argued by any junior debater that circulation figures are not readership figures, and that word of mouth must also be considered? try as i may to see how our supposedly state-controlled media might have twisted portrayals to the defendants' advantage, whatever quotes are published (i assume they are the truth and taken from the court reporter's records) seem to reveal a very one-sided case. a non-case, more like. the psychologist in me wonders if the label of "psychopath" was accurately bestowed. questions such as "do you hate me?" and "does your family control sg?" are hypothetical - the answer that they demand cannot be given and the intention is more blatant than a man set on fire. what does one expect? a Yes? only the most blunt and uncaring person would reply, YES i hate you - and even then never in a court contesting a defamation suit! subtlety, which i believe is absolutely essential in trapping one's opponent into inadvertent admissions of wrongdoing, is completely lacking here.
alright before one thinks that my soul is wholly sold (pun!) to the Party, i might add that lky's solomon quote misses the point entirely. unlike solomon, he isn't blessed with God's wisdom, or he would know that he should settle his arguments with his brother before going to court, or there may be further charges (from proverbs too, if i remember correctly!)
i'm not square ; 7:41 PM
funnies.haha omygoodness it just amuses me to no end that the two ad links on my screwed-up tagboard are "why women reject men" and "jesus christ loves you". HAHA! God offers much-needed comfort to rejected guys :D ok i'm kidding. wait i'm not. ah whatever.
anyway, this afternoon during lunch, my dad buys back chinese soup for me in a tingkat (lotus root soup this time)
me: *sniffs the tingkat of soup and gets increasingly elated* ahhh! i'm sniffing pot!
dad: you're getting high!
me: *almost snorts into the soup* see la you made me snort it!
heehee i inherited his exact same screwed-up humour :D
i'm not square ; 8:46 AM
it's a long way more to go but i'm already thinking of what my life in UCL will be like! i'll definitely join the UCL singsoc (to speak singlish, eat wonderful food and generally feel homesick together), UCL Christian Union (CU), and University of London Overseas Christian Fellowship (OCF).
am thinking of joining drama, to increase my stage experience. thus far i haven't performed in anything bigger than a class play. haha and my roles were mainly bimbos (more times i can remember! WHY AH?!) and urmmm a Gay Lover (coughpokeseli&elscough) and now, *drumrollll* a Queen Bitch. alright so it's more accurately a bitchy queen. but anyway i hope no one comes to any conclusions on my character based on the above roles. and drama people are *always* immensely fun, quirky and cool (:
also thinking of joining dance, to pick up on what i left off. this has been one major regret in my life. although obviously am not of sufficient standard to perform. i'll need to start from beginner again (and pray hard that i don't twist my ankles and break my toenails.) hopefully i'll be able to perform soon enough or at least become an understudy... childhood dreams (:
after a brief period of pure disappointment (no UCL Archery? *tears form*) i managed to find
UL Archery! YES. YESSS. YESSS! (haha that sounded a little like the organics ad where the girl does nothing but flick her luscious locks at some dude and scream yes somewhat orgasmically) and guess what the range is in UCL! threecheers! time to dust off my bow, and get shooting. have neglected my precious for far too long :'(
i also hope to do something absolutely crazy - and here i think
GameSoc fulfils my inner maniac. undoubtedly i will find other wacky souls there :P
and then the other stuff i want to do (but not necessarily join the clubs - they're expensive!) are trying my hand at diving, snowsports (ice skating, hockey, snowboarding), karting etc.!
i heard that alot of the museums and performances in London are free! so when i am bored with oxford street (will i ever be?), scratch that i mean too BROKE from spending my entire bank account at claire's (ladida), i will be a Cultured Person and go for free museum entries, plays etc.! and be patron of the arts at West End whee!
ohmygoodness i am so excited. it is time to call all the babes headed to london (&uk) and plan our winter calendar (:
i'm not square ; 12:14 AM
Monday, May 26, 2008
what i would tell you, if i had the courage toA: we could be best friends. i know we could be. if only our paths in life crossed earlier - now we have each our own Inner Circle. but unlikely as it may seem, we're so much alike. the same, but unique. twin souls. and perhaps we could be (closer, like i imagine) if only life isn't pulling us apart as fast as it brought us together.
B: you refuse to stay where you're supposed to be, shoved into the furthest corner of my mind. it's as if you do not deign to exist in its deepest and darkest recesses. you hijack my dreams, upturn my reality by appearing everywhere and in the most unlikely of places - in zara, a passing mention, a line on the screen, the lyrics of an old song. you're the supersaturated colour in those otherwise greyscaled ads - the vibrant red hue of the lady's lips - jarring, but beautiful. the tingling buzz of a momentarily unpleasant electrification lingering. i knew from the very first that it was unreal - but back then, everything was unreal, so i never imagined that it would last forever, or even wanted it to. but i do now.
C: i thought i knew everything about you but now i don't know if i've even read the first line. just like 'gangs of new york'. ultimately though, fate didn't choose us, we chose each other. it may be strange and i admit i sometimes feel it's entirely impossible we got this far, but we did. and it's terribly important to me that we don't lose it, what we've gained (almost against the odds). i confess also that i was afraid - of losing you, of losing us - but now i see that all i want you to be is happy. i hope that's maturity.
i'm not square ; 7:53 AM
the first post since forever!stop rubbing your eyes and pinching yourselves, people. it isn't a screen-mirage, or a trick of the mind - it's a post! for real. partly inspired by potential moneyspinning opportunities, partly shamed into resuscitating the blog for the millionth time by the viagra-touting russians on the tagboard (though come to think of it, is rather cool), partly having too much free time on my hands, blogging is back as my pastime! (though i *still* dare not tempt fate by adding "with a vengeance".)
it's been five months and unis and scholarships still form the backbone of most conversations. congratulations to everyone who's gotten into NUS med - you've beaten the odds and achieved your dreams (: gracey, fen, xiaoting, jules, suat, eliza & sam - a veritable mini 14geniuses all over again. it *almost* makes me want to join you in med... but time grabs me by the wrist and directs me where to go. and for trees, i pray that God will sustain your passion for med if you choose to walk through this door He's opened. in fact i'm very sure you'll make a wonderful doctor if you're as good a doctor as you are a friend. not to mention how much you already worry about your potential patients (:
for those who didn't get it, it's not quite the end. i shudder to think of the anonymous girl quoted (or misquoted?) in ST saying "i don't know what i'd do if i didn't get into med! i think i might die!" we laugh and ridicule her and make jokes about the potentially high mortality rate when results are released - but then i have the chilling thought that some people may actually view this as life-and-death. literally. which is why i thank God that some people i know got into med. and matt, you know that God has far greater plans for you than you can ask or imagine... i'm not saying it just as consolation.
for everyone else who's still in a dilemma on what country/uni/course/scholarship, i pray that doors will open and shut as God wants them to. and above all the peace that passes all understanding, that can only be gained by knowing that you're in the centre of His will. for those like me who are in the midst of appeals, i pray that we have the patience to wait upon God's will. was pleasantly surprised today when i discovered that avonne could potentially be a MOE psychologist as well (ok, so the surprise may be due to my faulty memory) and it's comforting to know that we're both struggling to be pioneers - living out our school motto! haha. God's plan is not always the easiest path to take. you have to walk through the narrow gate. admit one only.
back from the future and into the present! currently on a one-week hiatus from the internship. a time to rest, re-evaluate my work and my life, and sort out plans for the future. i thank God for putting my talents to good use - i just snagged an expensive contract to write comprehension materials (: let's just say the profit is enough for me to buy that really ex swiss watch - or wait, my much-coveted sony vaio - or iPhone - or PS3? (not that i want the last. just that nick measures everything in terms of PS3s.) haha but not before it's tithed.
the internship hasn't been all that i imagined it to be, but then again, i'm a certified idealist/optimist. the glass to me isn't half full, it's overflowing. and always looking on the bright side of life, i've told myself that it's good training. like how the guys have to eat mud before they can fight well. ("mud tastes horrible" - wise words from my bro) but is it wiser to grit your teeth and stick it out? or wiser to extricate oneself deftly from a sticky situation? pun fully intended. or as hamlet put it more poetically, "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer/ The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,/ Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,/ And by opposing end them?" i think smart people know when to give up.
which reminds me, muchos gracias to daniel, sr, my dad & kay hian for teaching me how to give up. in this case, a trip back to moo baan dek! (although i still hope i can go) in favour of scholarship pre-departure thingies. thanks for the much-needed perspective. although i still miss my baby! kwan, you taught me to run, you taught me to fly, helped me to free the me inside, helped me hear the music of my heart (: [oh goodness i get embarrassingly soppy whenever i talk about this] but it's okay, i carry you in my heart.
a pre(liminary re)view of what i will [hopefully!] be doing soon: i still wanna paintball, rollerblade, make good use of hungrygowhere [oh dreams of mimolette. sometimes the time is now; i wanted to go to compass rose for 7 years and it closed before i set foot there.] and be a tourist in my own country. not to mention increase my alcohol tolerance levels. i hope to rely on my bro and not-so-secretly-wild joy for that ha!
i miss my besties i miss my 14geniuses i miss my anions i miss my archers and my eru babes x
i'm not square ; 1:21 AM
